101 Things I'm Not Allowed to do in Storybrooke
by Luckyinluv
Summary: With Storybrooke being as unconventional as it is, you may need some rules to survive and not annoy people with murderous streaks. To help you survive, I've compiled a list of things that you should never, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, attempt.
1. Chapter 1

**1\. Serenading people is only appropriate in movies. It shouldn't be attempted.**

Killian's eyes glittered under the lamppost.

"Lad, are you sure this will work?"

Henry eagerly nodded.

"Oh course it will. Serenading people always works. Haven't you ever seen a movie?"

"A what?"

"Never mind. Go on!"

Henry pushed him under a window.

Killian stood under the open window of his True Love and started to sing.

"I've been dreaming of a true love's kiss."

He didn't need to sing any further, as a bewildered Emma stuck her head out of the window. He breathed in and made an effort to continue, but Emma threw a shoe at him.

"I'm going to take that as a sign of disapproval."

In a moment, Emma had run down to him.

"What on earth was that?" she asked in an amused tone.

Killian scratched his neck.

"Well the lad..."

He turned around, but Henry was nowhere to be seen.

Emma gave in to her amusement and started laughing.

"I just embarrassed myself didn't I?"

Emma put her arms around his neck.

"You and me both. What will happen to my reputation of a stern cop when the neighbors find out I'm being serenaded."

Still laughing, she gave him exactly what he had been dreaming of.

**2\. No matter her accent, I shouldn't assume that Belle is Australian.**

"Good eye might."

Belle looked up at the grinning little boy in front of her, furrowing her eyebrows in confusion.

"Sorry?"

"Throw a shrimp on the barbie."

"What?"

"You're such a dag Belle."

"A what?"

At this point she was seriously worried about his health. After all, preteen and teenage years are when many mental disorders begin to show.

But Henry wasn't done.

"So, Tony Abbot...what a dipstick."

"What's a dipstick?"  
Dismissing her, he continued.

"What I want to know is how did they steal that giant mango."

Hearing that, she recalled an article about a mango being stolen in Australia.

"Henry, you know that I'm not Australian, right?"

"Crikey! I hadn't got an earthly!"

**3\. I am not allowed to form a choir.**

Regina watched Robin and Marian talk. They looked and acted like a family.

Robin caught her eye and started to walk over to her. In the last few days, she had become quite adept at dodging him. Unfortunately, he had become quite adept at not letting her get away. As he opened his mouth to say something, a loud noise was heard."

Hoping with all her heart that this wasn't some sort of a new evil to fight, she ran onto the street outside Granny's.

When she came across the source of the sound, her jaw dropped.

"Ding dong! The Witch is dead," sang her son, walking up Main Street.

The dwarves behind him, including a reluctant Grumpy, continued, "Which old witch?"

Somewhere in the cluster of dwarves, she heard Roland's boyish voice respond, "The Wicked Witch!"

Robin came out, and on seeing the group, called out to his Merry Men. They flocked to him, and were soon singing songs from a certain musical.

**4\. I am not allowed to bet on people's love lives.**

The two men met in the narrow alleyway.

David held out a fifty dollar bill.

"I bet fifty dollars on The Outlaw choosing The Queen."

Grumpy nodded and took the money.

Out of nowhere, Jefferson came storming into the alleyway.

"David if you are betting on anyone other than The Vixen, my tools will prove exactly how much damage they can do."

**5\. I am not allowed to spray bug spray at .**

Archie was walking Pongo to Granny's, when he was assaulted by a can, whose top appeared to by taped down, resulting in a continuous spray of some substance.

After examining the bruise it left, he began to have a coughing fit.

He looked down at his hand to see that it was swelling up.

He took a deep breath, calmed himself down, and ran like a mad man towards the hospital.

**6\. I shall not use Rumplestiltskin's dagger as a butter knife.**

Belle was making a picnic snack for an upcoming lunch date with her husband.

She turned to take out a knife, only to see that there weren't none.

After making sure that Rumple was nowhere nearby, she found his dagger under his desk, which wasn't where she had left it. After concluding that Rumple must have taken it out for something, she stuck it into the almost frozen butter and spread it on the bread.

Miles away, her husband felt a cold shiver run through him.

**7\. Puns are bad. I should remember that.**

Emma and Hook were bantering over coffee, when Henry ran into Granny's.

"Killian! I was just on your new ship and there are leaks everywhere!"

The pirate apologized to Emma and ran to the pier. After all, he had just bought a new ship, and he didn't want it to sink.

Approaching his ship, he saw that it looked suspiciously green.

He drew his sword and approached it.

The deck of his ship was covered in hundreds, if not thousands, of leeks.

**8\. I am not allowed to fake eating a poisoned apple.**

Ruby and Dr. Whale were flirting outside Granny's. She caught Emma's eye behind Whale and nodded. She took a bite out of an apple, and fell to the ground.

After the initial shock, Whale sat down next to her and reached out to check her pulse. At this point, Emma walked over and said in a monotone voice, "Oh no. That was a poisoned apple. Only True Love's Kiss can save her now. And you seem like a possible candidate"

Forgetting all about modern science, he leaned down to kiss Ruby, who responded aggressively within seconds.

As they sat on the sidewalk, making out like hormonal teenagers, Whale missed Ruby slipping Emma a ten dollar bill.

**9\. Rumplestiltskin is not a fairy godmother, nor is he a fashion designer.**

Mr. Gold stared at the woman in front of him. Ruby held out a magazine and fluttered her dog-like eyelashes.

"Can you please make me the dress on page 54. In black, if possible?"

"Why would I do that?"

"Because all of the dresses you have conjured up are absolutely gorgeous, and you are the closest thing to a fairy godmother that there is. But since I don't want something as suffocating as a ballgown, please use the magazine as a reference."

As she started to rant about how she wanted the dress to look, Mr. Gold wished that he had let certain people go to balls dressed as peasants.

**10\. I am not allowed to steal my girlfriend's car.**

Emma glared at the driver of the now-wrecked yellow car. She sent it off to be repaired, and then turned to face her supposed True Love.

Killian sheepishly looked up at her from his spot on the grass.

"You see...the lad wanted some sort of iced cream and..."

"You decided to take out my car after one lesson. Why did you listen to his demands anyway?"

Emma had not expected to see the pirate blush.

"I was trying to win his approval."

* * *

**So there you have it! I wanted to write something new, preferably without a plot and this happened. Leave suggestions and tell me how you liked it!**


	2. Chapter 2

**11\. I am not allowed to question Rumple's life choices.**

Rumple heard the bell at the door of his shop chime, indicating the arrival of a customer.

"Rumplestiltskin you're an idiot."

The man in question looked up to see Whale staring at him.

"Is that so, dearie?", he said, casually killing a passing rat.

Not daunted by his murderous tendencies, the doctor said, "Well if you aren't an idiot, then tell me why you don't spin straw into platinum. It's far more valuable and with the way the economy's falling, StoryBrooke could use some help."

Whale stormed off. Rumple sat there and wondered why the doctor considered it appropriate to approach him, and why he hadn't thought of producing platinum before.

When Belle found him later that day, he was furiously spinning straw and crying when he failed to turn it into platinum.

**12\. I'm not allowed to put fairy dust into someone's coffee to see what will happen.**

Being the sheriff of StoryBrooke Emma had seen some strange sights, but nothing could have beaten this.

Regina was floating. In air. Inside Granny's.

Granny tried to grab Regina and pull her down, but in vain.

"Miss Swan, I hope you are here to help me and not to drink the sub-par coffee."

Huffing, Granny stopped trying and went behind the counter.

Trying hard not to laugh, Emma picked up the coffee mug lying on the table.

"Oh go ahead, steal that coffee. Don't mind me. I'm just floating."

Emma dipped her finger into the coffee and on removing it found it glittering.

"Well you've been fairy dusted."

Regina sighed. "Well at least I only drank a sip. It should wear off in some time. And unless you want a severely injured mayor, I suggest you put a mattress under me."

As Emma turned to look for something comfortable, Robin Hood walked in. Seeing Regina, he cocked an eyebrow and turned to Emma. Emma started to explain, but as it turns out, Regina's definition of 'in some time' needed some tweaking.

Faster than she could turn around, Robin caught a screaming Regina in his arms.

**13\. I shouldn't replace Hook's hook.**

Hearing a crash, Hook awoke.

_Burglars_, he thought, although he didn't know why anyone would dare break into the sheriff's house.

He heard the bedroom door opening, and jumped out of bed, ready to fight.

David walked in and looked at him in surprise.

"HOOK! What are you doing in my daughter's bedroom!"

Hook tried to explain himself, but David interrupted.

"Why would you even bother trying to protect yourself with a spoon?"

"What?"

Hook looked down. His hook had vanished, replaced with an ordinary wooden kitchen spoon.

**14\. I shouldn't try to explain Henry's family tree to him.**

"So Henry, your adoptive mother is also your step-grandmother. And both her and her mother were engaged to the same guy. And your other grandmother had an affair with your mom's current boyfriend. Are you following."  
"Yes?", said Henry, uncertainly.

David continued on, "Also, Peter Pan is your other grandfather's father, making him your great-grandfather. Oh and Cora killed your great-grandmother, who was a contender for her husband's affections and forced Regina to marry her widow, thus making her Snow's step-mother.

**15\. I will not carve words into pickaxes and give them to people claiming that it's their most prominent quality.**

Henry walked around town handing pickaxes to people. Noticing their confusion, he explained, "The words on it are your most prominent quality."

Killian looked at his and read out loud, " Sexy. Well, good to know that that's all I am."

Emma said, "Why else would I be with you?"

He chuckled and looked at hers.

"What the hell is a hufflepuff?"

**16\. Killian isn't 'after me lucky charms'.**

Ruby narrowed her eyes as Killian sat down. He cocked an eyebrow and said, "What is it lass? Are my good looks too much to handle?"

She grabbed a red and green box and walked backwards, retreating to the kitchen. While making this undramatic exit, she said, "I know you Irish folk. You're just after me lucky charms!"

Killian was left wondering why a cardboard box was a lucky charm and why Ruby couldn't speak proper English.

**17\. I shouldn't put candles on Rumplestiltskin's birthday cake.**

Belle walked into Granny's kitchen and stopped in her tracks.

"What is this?"

Granny and Ruby looked up and then back to their creation. It was a three tier chocolate cake, whose every available inch was covered in candles.

"I asked for a birthday cake, not candles with a side of burning cake."

"Well we have about 50 candles left..."

**18\. I will not forcefully feed Killian bologna.**

Killian struggled against the ropes as the spoon came closer to his mouth.

"Just one spoonful dearie, and then you will be free", cackled Rumple, clearly enjoying Killian's discomfort.

"Never, crocodile."  
Rumple's eyes gleamed. "Well then, Ms. Swan will have to pay."

Killian eyes flashed dangerously. He looked at the spoon in front of him.

"The thing I do for you, Emma."

He put the spoon in his mouth and swallowed, trying to ignore it's vile taste.

**19\. I shall not ask Robin Hood what a fox says.**

"But Robin.."

Robin turned around. "Henry, for the last time. I am not a fox, nor was I raised by one. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT A FOX SAYS!"

**20\. I shall not charm Snow into a Where's Waldo game, just because David will always find her.**

David studied every inch of the paper he had found in place of his wife that morning. He didn't know who had charmed it, all he knew is that he couldn't spot his wife.

"I will always find you. No matter what."

After searching for hours, he spotted a familiar dress and touched it.

"That's Snow's! But how do I get her out of there?"  
After pondering for a few minutes, he decided to test True Love's Kiss. He folded up the paper and kissed the general area that Snow was in.

The paper disappeared, leaving behind a princess kissing her True Love.

* * *

**There you have it! Any suggestions for rules? **


	3. Chapter 3

**21\. I shall not mention any plotholes.**

"Ashley, you were Cinderella right?"

The blonde in question looked away from her boyfriend, Sean, and said, "I still am."

"Right. Um..I have a question for you, and I don't know if you will like it..."

Ashley cocked an eyebrow. "Go on."

"If your glass slippers fit perfectly, why did your foot slip out of one of them?"

Ashley suddenly looked as though her life was a lie.

**22\. I shall not use my 'superpower' to win a game.**

At a family dinner at David and Mary Margaret's new house, long after Henry had gone to sleep, Regina suggested they play a game of bluff.

Killian said, "I'm a pirate, lass. Is there really a point in playing this game? I'm going to win anyway."

Alas! He hadn't accounted for a certain sheriff, who was currently smirking.

Three hours later, everyone had lost their monthly wages and Emma was was a few hundred dollars richer.

**23\. I shall not criticize Granny's food.**

Henry bit into his usual french toast, a specialty of Granny's. Unfortunately, Granny had spent the last few nights interrogating Whale, and was exhausted.

"Ugh! This is disgusting! What is this? A cardboard cake?"  
Everyone in the diner turned towards him, their eyes wide. Granny walked over to him.

"Really? Can you do any better? Probably not! I'm the best cook in best diner in town-"

"There is only one diner in town...", Ruby said silently.

Granny shot her a death glare and continued, "Is the toast not perfect enough for the little prince? Well then I'll make you another!"

And another she made...and another...and another.

Henry could never hear the words 'french toast', without feeling sick, ever again.

**24\. I shall not question Ariel on mermaid biology.**

While having lunch on-the-go, Belle and Ariel passed a general store which proudly advertised 'Royal Tampons (Don't let your evil Aunt Flo ruin your ballgowns!)'.

"What are tampons?", asked Ariel.

"You know..you wear them so you don't stain everything when you have your time-of-the-month."

"Time-of-the-month?"

"Don't mermaids have...um...mensuration cycles?"  
"Are they like misteskjell?"

"What is mister jello?"

As Ariel explained exactly what it was, Belle's face drained of all colour.

**25\. I shall not question the Charming family's obsession with cinnamon.**

"Mate, why is this rum cinnamon-flavored.?"

David shrugged. "I guess I just like cinnamon?"

Killian rolled his eyes. "Seems like a family trait. Emma actually made cinnamon ice-cream the other day. It was disgusting".

"Cinnamon ice-cream sounds like heaven."

"Your family is a bit obsessed with it, even the young lad will not have that hot cocoa drink without it."

"I don't know what you are talking about", said David, who took a sip of his cinnamon chai, which was in a 'I love cinnamon' coffee cup. He then proceeded to take a giant bite of a cinnamon roll, not even offering a bit of it to Killian, and then got up.

"Do you want some cereal? We have Cinnamon Toast Crunch, General Mill's Cinnamon Burst, Cinnamon swirls, or, the cereal of the kings- Kellogg's Cinnabon cereal."

**26\. I am not allowed to show Killian 'The Pirates Of The Caribbean'.**

"Killian, please take out the trash."

"I am disinclined to aquest to your request, love."

"What?"

XXXX

"You know, we should call ourselves Captain Swan. What do you think?"

Emma looked up at Killian.

"Killian. It. Is. Five. Bloody. AM. GO BACK TO SLEEP!"

XXXX

"WHY DID YOU RANSACK MY SHOP! WHAT DID YOU STEAL! HOOK, I WILL HAVE YOU-"

"There should be a Captain in there somewhere."

XXXX

"I've been considering names for the new ship...How does the Black Pearl sound?"

"Killian you are not naming our ship after a rubbish ship from a rubbish movie."

"It's not a rubbish- wait a minute. Did you call it 'our' ship?"

**27\. Captain Charming is not a thing. It will never ever be a thing. I shouldn't try to make it a thing.**

A very angry Killian and a pissed-off David stormed into Sidney's office.

"What crap is this?", said David, throwing a newspaper on his desk.

Sidney inspected the front page, and figured out the cause of their anger.

A giant picture of David and Killian getting coffee occupied most of it, followed by the line, 'It's a pirate's life for me.' The usage of certain phrases like 'the Prince and the Pirate' and 'caught snuggling' in one sentence was disturbing.

"Oh that's just our new thing. We're promoting Captain Charming. It's the new thing. Snowing and Captain Swan are so last season. You know what else is last season? Sw-"

The men never did find out what was last season as Sidney suddenly sported a blackening eye and decided it would be best to shut up.

**28\. Henry isn't allowed to have sailing lessons.**

"Killian! Where have you and Henry been? The both of you were supposed to be here ages ago. I was worried sick."

Henry ran up to Emma and ecstatically said, "Mom! Killian gave me sailing lessons. I sailed on my own. In the open sea!"

With each sentence, Emma's glare became more defined.

David, who was sitting opposite Emma, spoke up, "Emma, calm down. Henry couldn't even drive a car. There is no way he could sail a ship."

Killian came over and ruffled Henry's hair.

"Actually, it was pretty successful. The lad has a flair for sailing. He handled the waters pretty well. I'm incredibly proud of him."

While David huffed, Emma couldn't help but notice the way Killian and Henry acted around each other. It was almost like a father and a son, although it wasn't nearly as developed. But, Emma had a sneaking suspicion that there would be enough time for their relationship to blossom into something akin to that.

**29\. I shouldn't brag about the above.**

"LEROY! Guess what?"

David groaned as Killian shouted to the miner. _Not again_, he thought.

"What?"

"I'm a better teacher than the mighty Prince! He couldn't teach Henry to motor a small metal contraption, but I taught him to captain a mighty vessel, carved of wood and love."

Leroy rolled his eyes. "That's the third time you've told me that."

Killian's face fell, but then he spotted Mother Superior.

"BLUE! Guess what?"

**30\. Everyone calls Granny Granny. I shouldn't mention it.**

"Granny, if you're only Ruby's grandmother, why does everyone call you Granny?"

Granny looked at little Roland, who was contentedly sipping his chocolate milk.

"Well...I don't really know. I guess it sounds better than my actual name."

"What is your name?"

At this, a hush fell over the diner. For never, in the history of time, had anyone ever heard Granny's name.

Granny took a deep breath and said, "My name is...never to be spoken."

Some of the diners chuckled and continued eating.

Roland smiled a toothy grin and said, "Hello Nevertobespoken, I'm Roland.

* * *

**Any suggestions?**


	4. Chapter 4

**31\. I am not allowed to picket Mr. Gold's shop.**

On arriving at his shop one morning, Mr. Gold was met by a group of angry townsfolk waving banners.

On seeing him, their leader said, "WHAT DO WE WANT?"

"OUR POSSESSIONS!"

"WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?"

"NOW!"

Before he could even start to wonder about what they were referring to, the door of his shop flew open, and people rushed in.

Mr. Gold sighed. He walked inside and with a wave of his hand, all of the picketers were pulled into a straight line. With a few more gestures, almost everyone had a few items in their hands.

"There you go, dearies. That is all of the stuff that belongs to you. And...you can buy it at the StoryBrooke rates...much cheaper than the what you originally paid."

Only after paying for their items, did the picketers realize that the StoryBrooke rates were practically the same as those of the Enchanted Forest, and that they had essentially paid the same price twice, to buy their own things.

Mr. Gold smirked and fanned himself with his new fortune.

**32\. Wearing a Peter Pan mask around is not a good idea.**

Henry snuck up on a napping Mr. Gold. He put on a Peter Pan mask and stood over him. When he eventually awoke, in his drowsy state, his first reflex action was casting a choking spell, followed by a purple jet of light which left Henry quite breathless.

Upon noticing his grandson, he stopped shooting curses, but neither Regina nor Emma were too happy to see him at the next Charming-Mills-Gold family dinner.

**33\. My mother's powers are not to be used for getting revenge.**

"Mom", said Henry, blinking innocently at Regina.

Unlike Emma, Regina always gave into his puppy-dog face.

"Yes?"  
"Will you please blow up Robert's house?"

Regina looked up from her paperwork and cocked an eyebrow.

"Why would I do that?"

"He asked Grace out..."

**34\. If my name is Emma Swan, I should not cook.**

Killian came home after his first day at his new job. Who knew that Good Evening Storybrooke needed a new host?

"Love, I'm absolutely exhausted."

Emma looked up at him with tired eyes. She had just arrived home herself after tracking down Charming's "stalker"- a 13 year old girl.

"I can make you something", she said, leaning up to kiss him.

In his current state, Killian said yes, an answer he would soon regret.

Fifteen minutes later, Killian, Emma and Henry stood outside their apartment building as Leroy and some firefighters doused their house with water. That day, Emma learnt that you shouldn't put a metal spoon in the microwave.

**35\. I shouldn't feed Mary-Margaret apples.**

"Here you go Mary-Margaret. It's on the house."

The brunette looked up at her friend, Ruby, who was holding out a muffin-like thing in front of her.

After taking a few bites, she noticed a peculiar taste.

"Ruby...What am I eating?"

"Oh, it's an apple pie muffin."

Hearing the name of the fruit which had all but killed her, Mary-Margaret dropped the spoon and her face paled.

Ruby ended up calling David, who managed to identify and control his wife's panic attack.

**36\. The wraith is not a dementor. It will attack me if I refer to it as one. I should always remember that. **

As David fought the single escaped wraith, he noticed it's uncanny resemblance to his favorite fictional creature.

"You look a lot like a dementor."

Jim the wraith was not amused.

A few seconds later, Mary-Margaret attacked the wraith, and after it was gone, found David just barely alive, and mumbling about needing a whole lot of chocolate.

**37\. I am not allowed to be better at eyeliner than my girlfriend.**

"How do people do this everyday?" said a frustrated Emma, from in front of the mirror.

Killian grinned. "It's actually rather easy, love."

Wiping away a pathetic attempt at a winged eyeliner, Emma said, " Easier said than done."

Killian walked over to her, grabbed her face and her eyeliner, and in one swift motion drew the perfect winged eyeliner.

Emma was fuckstruck.

"But..you're a guy...and on your first try at a winged eyeliner...I should be better than you...I am not talking to you again until I master the art of eyeliner."

Pulling her close to him, Killian said, "Oh love, you don't need to talk for the activities I have in mind.

**38\. Red knows neither Remus Lupin nor Jacob Black.**

"Ruby, did you know that you are absolutely, perfectly amazing and gorgeous and brilliant and..."

"What do you want, Tink?"

Tink sighed. "Okay, okay. Could you hook me up with your friends Remus and Jacob?"

"Who?"

"You know, Remus Lupin, the most interesting person to ever exist, and Jacob Black, who is the personification of 'hot damn'", she said, adding a slight New York accent to the end.

"I don't know every fictional werewolf, Tink."

"Lupin isn't real?"

**39\. Just because Emma and Regina are both Henry's mom, they are not lesbian lovers.**

"Hi! I'm Alice. I'm here to drop Grace off."

Grace ran into the house, and her new step-mum awkwardly stood at the door.

"Hello, I'm Regina, Henry's mother."  
"And I'm Emma, his other mother."

Alice's eyes widened.

"Oh..okay. This town is far more liberal than Wonderland. Over there a woman being with a woman is as bad as a card being with a.."

"WHAT?"

Alice jumped back.

"Are the both of you not together?"

Regina and Emma gave each other a look of disgust.

"Unless you want us to magic your head of, you will never say that again. Understood?"

**40\. I shouldn't attempt sword-fighting if I'm made of wood.**

Emma found Henry standing teary-eyed in the hospital.

"What happened? I got a call..."

"Me and Pinnochio were sword-fighting...and...and...and...I chopped his hand off."  
Emma's eyes comically widened. They would never have had this problem in New York.

"Okay..Um..."

"Where is my boy!?"

Marco stormed into the hospital.

Emma rubbed her forehead. "This should be fun...Marco!"


	5. So Hi?

So...I'm alive?

I rediscovered my fan fiction password and...yeah.

If anyone's still interested in the story I'll continue, but if you have long forgotten it and only vaguely remember thinking "Hey this isn't terrible", thats okay too.

Fan fiction gave me an outlet for expressing myself and I'll forever be grateful for that. If any of you want the story to continue please tell me so and I'll do it.

Please don't kill me for not updating *cowers*

-Luckyinluv


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